Random (weird) Sayings

~All of these that do not have a name or age after them are Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey from Saturday Night Live.~

~You suck at life.~ -?

~Egotist: one of low taste, i.e. one who thinks more of themself than me.~ -Ambrose Bierce

~Hi. I'm talking to my imaginary friend. They say hi. Dave is a wombat and you're an armadillo. Now I must go and gouge out my eyes with a spork, and gouge out my mind's eye with a tomato.~ -Josh K.

~Just because I flirt doesn't mean I LIKE the guy!~ -Leigh N.

~I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception!~ -?

~It's sad how whole families get torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.~ -Audrey A.

~Why can't the world be more like a Krispy Kreme donut shop? You get to see how things work, and everyone ends up happy by the time they leave. Not to mention those spiffy hats!~ -Karen R.

~5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions~ -T-shirt I saw once

~Why would someone invent an ejection seat for a helicopter?~ -Pales

~I have gone to find myself. If I get back before I return, please keep me here.~ -Another T-shirt

~You laugh because I'm different, but I laugh because you're all the same.~ -Another T-shirt

~Why are there lifejackets under the seats of airplanes traveling over land?~ -Pales

~Don't make me get my flying monkeys!!!~-Another T-shirt

~My door is always open, so feel free to leave!~-I haven't yet figured out who first said this.

~Peace for the turtles, 'cuz there's no hope for us!~-I haven't yet figured out who first said this.

~Randomness is everywhere. That's why the fox jumped over the moon.~ -Sarah S.

~Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two seperate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and so is mankind.~

~There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count and those who can't.~ -Joe Z.

~Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.~

~What is the purpose of meaning?~ -Pales

~If there was a really bad storm and somehow a dog made it through the storm and ended up on your doorstep, a good name for him would be Carl.~

~I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs. With bark instead of fur.~

~If a 5th grade class is learning the same thing thata 6th grade class is learning, soes that make the 5th graders smart or the 6th graders dumb?~ -Pales

~Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the shark or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.~

~I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.~

~Please remind me to forget about this.~ -Pales

~Whenever I see someone slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and they fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.~

~If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.~

~Which is more sufficiant? The cupcake or the cake?~ -Pales

~Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, to people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain.....unless there's lightening, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.~

~Never say 'eat me' to a cannibal.~ -Pales

~I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population get more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.~ -Age 13

~Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.~

~Sometimes, when I lie in bed at night and look up at the stars, I think to myself, "Man! I really need to fix that roof."~

~Why do kamikazee pilots where helmets?~ -Pales

~Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.~

~I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.~

~Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person you're talking to is. Then on the way out, slam the door.~

~Statistics show that 90% of statistics are incorrect.~ -Pales

~Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.~

~Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head". Normally you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.~

~I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.~

~To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit eachother.~

~Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?~

~I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as in when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generousity, as in when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.~

~When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.~

~ Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?~

~I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.~

~Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.~ -Age 15

~I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.~ -Age 15

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