More Old and Dusty Random Stuff
NASA's New Pen
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300° C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Enjoy paying your taxes–they're due again.
Yiddish Stories
A man stormed into Moishe's Bakery and confronted Moishe.
"Do you know what happened to me?" He demanded. "I found a fly in the raisin bread I bought from you yesterday."
Moishe gave a palms-up shrug and replied, "Nu, so you'll bring me the fly and I'll give you a raisin."
—————————————————
My father says, "Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family." I said, "Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?" -Adam Sandler
—————————————————
Isaac was sitting at a table in his favorite restaurant when he called over his waiter.
"Yes?" asked the busy waiter.
"Are you the same waiter I ordered from?" asked Isaac.
"Why do you ask?" replied the waiter.
"Because I was expecting a much older man by now." replied Isaac.
————————————————
The Prime Minister of Israel sits down with Arafat at the beginning of negotiations regarding the resolution of the conflict. The Prime Minister requests that he be allowed to begin with a story. Arafat replies,
"Of course."
The Prime Minister begins his story: "Years before the Israelites came to the Promised Land and settled here, Moses led them for 40 years through the desert. The Israelites began complaining that they were thirsty, and lo and behold, a miracle occured and a stream appeared before them. They drank their fill and then decided to take advantage of the stream to do some bathing–including Moses. When Moses came out of the water, he found that all his clothing was missing. 'Who took my clothes?" Moses asked those around him. 'It was the Palestinians,' replied the Israelites."
"Wait a minute," objected Arafat immediately, "there were no Palestinians during the times of Moses!"
"All right," replies the Prime Minister, "Now that we've got that settled, let's begin our negotiations."
Population: Zero
Sent by Josh...
"It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination."
"The Witch Scene"
This script is part of the script from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. If you have not seen this movie, see it. Now. I found this at: http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_scripts/witch.txt
It's mainly original text from that site, but I took away some of the "pauses" or stuff in parentheses.
Villager: We have found a witch, may we burn her?
Bedevere: But how do you *know* she is a witch?
Villager: She looks like one!
Other Villagers: Yeah! She looks like one!
Bedevere: Bring her foward.
Witch: But I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch!
Bedevere: Er...but you are dressed as one.
Witch: THEY dressed me up like this.
Villagers: No! Nooo! We didn't! We didn't!
Witch: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one!
Bedevere: Well?
One Villager: Well, we did do the nose.
Bedevere: The nose?
Villager: And the hat. But she's a witch!
Villagers: Yeah! Burn her! Burn! Burn her!
Bedevere: Did you dress her up like this?
Villagers: NO! No, no, no, no, no, no...
One Villager: Yes.
Villagers: Yes. Yes. Yes. A bit. Yes. A bit. A bit.
Another Villager: She has got a wart...
Bedevere: What makes you think she is a witch?
Villager: Well, she turned me into a newt!
Bedevere: A newt?
Villager: I got better...
Villagers: BURN HER anyway! BURN! BURN! BURN HER!
Bedevere: Quiet, quiet, quiet, QUIETA. There are ways of *telling* whether she is a witch!
Villagers: Are there? What? Tell us, then! Tell us!
Bedevere: Tell me. What do you do with witches?
Villagers: BUUUURN!!!! BUUUUUURRRNN!!!! You BURN them!!!!! BURN!!!!
Bedevere: And what do you burn apart from witches?
Villager: More witches!
Other Villager: Wood.
Bedevere: So why do witches burn?
Villager: Because they're made of...wood?
Bedevere: Goooood!
Other Villagers: Oh yeah...oh...
Bedevere: So. How do we tell whether she is made of wood?
One villager: Build a bridge out of 'er!
Bedevere: Aah. But can you not also make bridges out of stone?
Villagers: Oh yeah. Oh. Umm...
Bedevere: Does wood sink in water?
One villager: No! No, no, it floats!
Other villager: Throw her into the pond!
Villagers: Yaaaa!
Bedevere: What also floats in water?
Villager: Bread!
Another Villager: Apples!
Another Villager: Uh...very small rocks!
Another Villager: Cider!
Another Villager: Uh...great gravy!
Another Villager: Cherries!
Another Villager: Mud!
Another Villager: Churches! Churches!
Another Villager: Lead! Lead!
King Arthur: A duck!
Villagers: Ooooh!
Bedevere: ExACTly!
Bedevere: So, *logically*...
Villager: If...she...weighs the same as a duck...she's made of wood.
Bedevere: And therefore...
Villager: A witch!
All villagers: A WITCH!
55 Ways to Get Rid of a Bad Date
Sent by Josh...
1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on you table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every 5 minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen table cloths.
13. Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you are female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more than they do.
19. Drool.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being place in front of you.
22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her, "What took you so long in the restroom???"
23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
24. Ask the people at neighboring tables for food from their plates.
25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
26. Ask you date how much money they have with them.
27. Order for you date. Order something nasty.
28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
29. Upom entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
31. Hum loudly. In monotone.
32. Fill you pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware floral arrangements, anything that isn't bolted down.
33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
34. Undress your date verbally, Use a bullhorn.
35. Auction your date off for silverware.
36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with aother potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal
38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.
40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal.
42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
43. If they are paying, order the most expensive meal on the menu. Take on bite.
44. Bring 20 or so candles with you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your senile, invalid old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
47. Take a thermos along and take advantage of free coffee refills.
48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. Also insist that they take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
49. Accuse your date of espionage.
50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.
53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.
55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
New Research
Snet by Jsoh...
Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a tatol mses and you can sitll raid it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raid ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig, huh?
Back To Archives